Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
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It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
The “baby” on the left….
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard