Her: You never ask me about my day.

Me: *rolls eyes* It’s not YOUR day, Brenda, it belongs to all of us.

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[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?


My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.


*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?


2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?


We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”


If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.


Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.


Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed