my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
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Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground