Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You Might Also Like
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Just this preview of the story is enough
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”