her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
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If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me