Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
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[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
The Backseat Boys
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.