Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.