Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
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[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to