What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn’t have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
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Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
*throws bread at her feet*
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!
ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
What are you listening to?
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
How many pictures of the sky until we are satisfied as a people