@TheresNoGodzila

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

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@cray_at_home_ma

What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn’t have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.

@ambamthankyamam

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

@FunnyBison

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

@Elizasoul80

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

@jimmytorosian

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@SeanBlazed

How many pictures of the sky until we are satisfied as a people