Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
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*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
put ‘er there pardner!
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT