Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

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If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.


Cat knocks over coffee

Me: well?
Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing.
Jumps down


1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM


There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…


mom: *holding up baggie she found in my room* what the hell is this?

me: uhh that’s called marijuana

mom: i know what it is, i mean why do you have it

me: to get high, jesus christ mom you said you knew what it was


The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike!
I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn’t own a bike.


Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.


HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.