Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
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“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Cat knocks over coffee
Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
mom: *holding up baggie she found in my room* what the hell is this?
me: uhh that’s called marijuana
mom: i know what it is, i mean why do you have it
me: to get high, jesus christ mom you said you knew what it was
The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike!
I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn’t own a bike.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.