A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
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2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“Sure, you can wear shorts to preschool today.”
-the reason I am sleeping on the couch right now
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.