My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Her: You’ll miss me when I’m gone!
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Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR FANNYPACK WANT TO GO IN THE VENDING MACHINE.
“What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” Officer, “Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be