Autocorrect is my menesis
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Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.