@Badass_Trucker

Her: You’ll miss me when I’m gone!

Me: Bet

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@HysteriaBarbie

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

@djdarrellripley

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

@wesjohnson8

“What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” Officer, “Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”

@RexHuppke

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

@1Happytwit

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

@QwertyJones3

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

@bingowings14

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

@dyldonot

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be