He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
If you know, you know
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail