her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
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Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
wut hotdog?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games