My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
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ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”