Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
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Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
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By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.