Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
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But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller