HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
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When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it