@ericsshadow

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

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@Diversion50

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

@fsuflores

I’m always careful with women that do not speak to me even after the 4th date.

@TheDairylandDon

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

@SJSchauer

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

@Darlainky

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

@AristotlesNZ

Cop: “You been drinkin?”
Me: I’m going to dinner w/my wife’s mom & 94yo granny
“You’re free to go..”
Come on dude. Can’t you just arrest me?

@MattMcElaney

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

@JazzJazzybc

Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.

@hippieswordfish

[1st date]
*stuffing face* sorry i eat a lot when im nervous

‘u know ur eating a candle right?’

yah *points to napkin* u gonna finish that