Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
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Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I’m always careful with women that do not speak to me even after the 4th date.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Cop: “You been drinkin?”
Me: I’m going to dinner w/my wife’s mom & 94yo granny
“You’re free to go..”
Come on dude. Can’t you just arrest me?
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.
*stuffing face* sorry i eat a lot when im nervous
‘u know ur eating a candle right?’
yah *points to napkin* u gonna finish that