Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
podcasts
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”