Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
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Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
How to find Kentucky on a map
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.