Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Her: You only think about yourself.
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.

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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.


Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”


teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations


[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast


Coworker: I lost my phone.


CW: I don’t know where it is.

M:*perplexed look* You’re not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!


“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…


*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*


Surgeon: *puts mask on my face* count backwards from 10

Me: 10, 9, 8, I’m scared?

Surgeon: *whispers* You should be

Me: Wha *passes out