@JohnLyonTweets

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

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@ratamack

I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.

@Canadian_Cutie_

If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes

@jlock17

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

@KeetPotato

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

@soulindivision2

Mind games aren’t a challenge. “Meet me in the condiments aisle of Tesco and bring a bib,” is a challenge.

@iamdevloper

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

@blaha_Who

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

@Dutch_50

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further