Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Her: You only think about yourself.
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.

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I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.


If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes


They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.


accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”


Mind games aren’t a challenge. “Meet me in the condiments aisle of Tesco and bring a bib,” is a challenge.


I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.


My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on


Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.


[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further