Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Her: You only think about yourself.
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
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Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?
[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
my nephew has a new classmate from Zimbabwe and upon discovering that Zimbabwe is in Africa (these kids are 6), the first thing everyone asked him is if he’d been to Wakanda. His reply: “no, there are force fields around it”
Meth addicts gets all their drug money from the tooth fairy.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I don’t have daddy issues.
I have *father* issues.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?
ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not