Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Kermit goes Blue.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.