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@gerryhallcomedy

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

@818Newbie

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

@Jessdaisy

Today, I threw away all the random chargers and cables that have been collecting; I’m sure that every electronic ever associated with one of them will now show up instantly, after not having been seen in years.

@batkaren

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

@Darlainky

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

@HatfieldAnne

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

@TheresNoGodzila

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

@TheTweetOfGod

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

@ClichedOut

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge