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“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion


I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.


Today, I threw away all the random chargers and cables that have been collecting; I’m sure that every electronic ever associated with one of them will now show up instantly, after not having been seen in years.


Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.


If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.


This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.


When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.


People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.


[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge