Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
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I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.