I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
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they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??