Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
You Might Also Like
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*