Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

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I appreciate when aerobic instructors say “Don’t forget to breathe” because I sometimes forget and then I die.


I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question


Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo


I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.


“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.


Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.


Me: That does it!

[bangs on upstairs neighbor’s door]

[Elephant on a pogo stick answers]
Sup? Am I being too loud?


Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.


one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops


Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.