Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

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Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks


*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.


[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants



If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.


Fax? Why don’t you just send it over on a dinosaur?


If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.


[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?


Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.


My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…