I NEVER RELATED TO ANYTHING MORE IN MY LIFE
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
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Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Fax? Why don’t you just send it over on a dinosaur?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…