Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
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Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.