@Gupton68

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

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@EndhooS

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

@CulturedRuffian

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

@thatcarlygirl

“It’s okay, little buddy. Mommy cries when her bottle is empty, too.”

@JermHimselfish

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

@kimmie_1980

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

@Lerky

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

@kumailn

“I have a hunch.” – Inspector Quasimodo

@jellybnbonanza

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

@Parkerlawyer

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

@Thynebear

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.