Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.


Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

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[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed


Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.


“It’s okay, little buddy. Mommy cries when her bottle is empty, too.”


I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.


I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!


I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.


“I have a hunch.” – Inspector Quasimodo


My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!


Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.


Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.