Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
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[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.