@WhaJoTalkinBout

her: you’re saying my son sells marijuana?!

me: and it’s wayyyy overpriced

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@Feel_Dont_Speak

A friend will invite you for beers
A good friend will pick up the tab
A best friend will hold your hair

All three will have blackmail pics

@impaulmccoy

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

@Vice_Queen

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

@Aspersioncast

When a girl says, “I think we should talk,” it’s never about the Bat Mobile.

@gmossii

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

@UnFitz

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

@beccafacexo

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

@waelwulf

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.