Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
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[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.