her: you’re saying my son sells marijuana?!

me: and it’s wayyyy overpriced

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A friend will invite you for beers
A good friend will pick up the tab
A best friend will hold your hair

All three will have blackmail pics


Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.


14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’


Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.


When a girl says, “I think we should talk,” it’s never about the Bat Mobile.


My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.


Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?


R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*


How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.


Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.