Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
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Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Said the murderer.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
this is me
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist