Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
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Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Oceanography is all about current events
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs