Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
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My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
choose your fighter
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie