Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup


I’m not stalking you. I’m getting to know you behind your back.


Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit



her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no


My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.


I would hunt for my own food, but I don’t think Mac and cheese roam in packs.


[on the phone with my mom]

Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now



Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*


Bitten by a radioactive Batman, Batmanman has all the powers and abilities of a Batman.


Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.