HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
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Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
the three branches of government
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.