@AngryRaccoon2

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

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@daemonic3

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

@Jake_Vig

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

@Skoog

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

@fizzlestothetop

Dogs: OMG YOU’RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!!
Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty…fill it..I’ll be on the couch.

@ReeseButCallMeV

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

@Reverend_Scott

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

@mstern68

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

@karencheee

Every time I glue uncooked pasta together, a macaroni angel gets its wings.

@lisaxy424

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

@Kyle_Lippert

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS