@AngryRaccoon2

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

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@samhithere

“Body of Christ.”

“Why thank you, I HAVE been working out.”

@KamharidaMinaa

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

@pmclellan

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

@I_am_carbs

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

@ericsshadow

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

@markleggett

When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you’d end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity’s Instagram.

@Reverend_Scott

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

?????? ??? ????

“OMG HOW”

???? ?? ? ???? ??????? ????

@SirEvisiae

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

@ArfMeasures

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

@AverageCorners

Me: Okay, bed time.

Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.

Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!