Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
You Might Also Like
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Not my job 😂
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?