“Body of Christ.”
“Why thank you, I HAVE been working out.”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
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My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you’d end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity’s Instagram.
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
?????? ??? ????
???? ?? ? ???? ??????? ????
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Me: Okay, bed time.
Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.
Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!