HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
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Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
mariah carrie
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”