HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
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I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh