Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days