If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
You Might Also Like
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
wut hotdog?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.