@Robert_Beau

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

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@mattgallo123

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

@shut_uup

Yeah I pee in the shower, but not while I’m in it

@realHamOnWry

Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.

@super_morgasm

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

@Swishergirl24

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

@MissHavisham

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

@100percent001

If we both go for the last slice of apple pie at the same time, I will bury my fork in your throat.

@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen