My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
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Yeah I pee in the shower, but not while I’m in it
Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
If we both go for the last slice of apple pie at the same time, I will bury my fork in your throat.
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen