Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
You Might Also Like
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??