My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.
Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: a man is in my house
me: idk. how would i know that
me: he didn’t answer
911: describe him
me: he’s large
911: is he tall
911: give him my number 🙂
me: what’s your number
911: are u serious
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Me: I want McDonald’s
Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Mom: I want grandkids
Me: Do you have grandkids money??
I can’t wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.