@iwearaonesie

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

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@Xoolun

My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.

Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.

@Dustinkcouch

911: what’s your emergency?

me: a man is in my house

911: who

me: idk. how would i know that

911: ask

me: ok

911:

me: he didn’t answer

911: describe him

me: he’s large

911: is he tall

me: yea

911: give him my number 🙂

me: what’s your number

911: are u serious

@JediGigi

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

@sofarrsogud

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

@LoveNLunchmeat

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

@So504real

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

@BreadFoster

I can’t wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.

@TheAlexNevil

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

@stuartrutten

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.