@robfee

Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.

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@Alex_N_Chains

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

@doggiedogthedog

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

@drayzze

The best part about being single is only having to say “I’m sorry” to the dog.

@ObscureGent

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

@thatdutchperson

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

@caliluvgirl77

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

@michael_raphone

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

@DaveSirus

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

@GrantTanaka

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

@caithuls

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho