Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.

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I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?


The best part about being single is only having to say “I’m sorry” to the dog.


Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?


Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.


How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any


INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha


The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.


Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most


ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho