Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?