@hollywood_95_69

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

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@KatWar1

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

@frenchielaboozi

a lady was like “can you believe he’s 14 months old already” and i am like you know what i can cause you post a pic of him every single day

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

@ThugRaccoons

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

@AbbyHasIssues

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

@Browtweaten

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

@JJSummertime

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

@i_theindian

Looking up at his wife, he asked, “Honey, Do I have trouble making up my own mind?”

@dugglebutt

1984: is my house bugged??

Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?