Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

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[Enters Building]
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”


a lady was like “can you believe he’s 14 months old already” and i am like you know what i can cause you post a pic of him every single day


If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.


Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*


This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”


Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*


If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.


Looking up at his wife, he asked, “Honey, Do I have trouble making up my own mind?”


1984: is my house bugged??

Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?