@therepoguy

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

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@Knorg

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

@ClichedOut

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

@mommajessiec

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

@Poutymcgee

*takes a long drag from a cigarette

*points at your baby

What’s wrong with your dog?

@badbanana

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

@Marcmywords2

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

@Halbeerz

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

@suecorvette

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am