Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
You Might Also Like
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Go away I’m not home
“I can hear you”
I can hear you too..go away
“I brought food”
What kind of food
God: got bears?
God: got birds?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Facility rental: $100
Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless
Math of a mother
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating