@therepoguy

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

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@mela_shea

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

@nbadag

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

@Elizasoul80

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

@EndhooS

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

@laurajennyjo

*knock knock*

Go away I’m not home

“I can hear you”

I can hear you too..go away

“I brought food”

What kind of food

@justokdane

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

@dlsims01

Invitations: $10
Cupcakes: $15
Facility rental: $100

Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless

Math of a mother

@Nikkeya08

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.