“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

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Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.


Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look


9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.


*takes a long drag from a cigarette

*points at your baby

What’s wrong with your dog?


My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.


She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.


Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free


I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am