“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*