“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
The devil.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .