“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

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“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”


Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste


*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”


Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right


Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.


You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.


If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.


In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.


*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*