Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now