“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
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The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
How do dragons blow out candles?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?