@bsnc64

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

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@ericsshadow

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

@lipstickbrat1

*during sex*

Him: Hurt me

Me: Your brother is hotter than you

Him: I…

Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either

@ShortSleeveSuit

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

@Home_Halfway

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

@upsidedowntrash

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

@AngryRaccoon2

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

@Furry_Beaver

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

@PaperWash

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-