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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
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I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Knock Knock
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.