My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.
Here’s a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?
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Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Jocelyn from Facebook will unfriend you if you give her a Blockbuster gift card for her stupid baby shower.
I know that now.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!