@sammyrhodes

Here’s a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?

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@chrisdowning

My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.

@DaddyJew

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

@Gre_Gone

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

@BobGolen

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

@junejuly12

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

@jergarl

Jocelyn from Facebook will unfriend you if you give her a Blockbuster gift card for her stupid baby shower.

I know that now.

@lifeisforkedup

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

@decentbirthday

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

@3sunzzz

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

@StinkyGr33n

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!