@mister_blank

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

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@causticbob

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

@dave_cactus

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

@hunz74

Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.

@Donna_McCoy

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

@RunOldMan

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

@MarkAgee

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

@Dutch_50

So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.

@obijawn

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

@skedaddle74

I’ve been talking to my husband in nothing but eighties song lyrics this morning.

Cuz you know, “it takes two to make a thing go right”, but only one wife to drive him crazy.