here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

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Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.


1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible


Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.


If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.


I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.


Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping


So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.


Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit


I’ve been talking to my husband in nothing but eighties song lyrics this morning.

Cuz you know, “it takes two to make a thing go right”, but only one wife to drive him crazy.