here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
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Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.