Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
the composer
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.